Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond looks after the British outpost near the Khybar pass. Protected by the kilted Third Foot and Mouth regiment, you would think they were safe, but the Khazi of Kalabar has other ideas—he wants all the British dead. But his troops fear the 'skirted-devils, who are rumoured not to wear any underwear.
In a dilapidated rural mansion, the last generation of the degenerate, inbred Merrye family lives with the inherited curse of a disease that causes them to mentally regress from the age of 10 or so on as they physically develop. The family chauffeur looks out for them and covers up their indiscretions. Trouble comes when greedy distant relatives and their lawyer arrive to dispossess the family of its home.
Depressed by the direction his life is taking, Harry decides to take his own life by jumping off the Manhattan Bridge. At the last minute he's stopped by old friend Milt Manville, a successful stock broker. Milt, however, is facing his own problem: he has fallen out of love with his argumentative wife, Ellen. In a misguided effort to solve both of their problems, he introduces Ellen to Harry, hoping the two will fall in love.
Lady Lorraine Lister, a financer of expensive experiments, has discovered a way to obtain pure diamonds by the means of a radiation device. She hires five renowned scientists to participate in additional experiments regarding this new contrivance. However, it soon happens that the device is stolen, and the scientists mysteriously disappear! Agent Dick Smart is called in by the CIA to track down the scientists and recover the device. With the help of incredible gadgets and lots of bravado, he manages to locate the source of an underground operation in Rio De Janeiro: an operation headed by a mysterious man with a speaking device fastened to his throat.
A cameraman is knocked over during a football game. His brother-in-law, as the king of the ambulance-chasing lawyers, starts a suit while he's still knocked out. The cameraman is against it until he hears that his ex-wife will be coming to see him. He pretends to be injured to get her back, but also sees what the strain is doing to the football player who injured him.
Young doctor Jaime attends his father's clinic where Diana, a singer, is carried by emergency. After operating it, Jaime falls in love Diana and decides to accompany her throw artistic caravan, where replaced a singer and quarrels by jealousy with Javier, a womanizer trying to conquer Diana.
A trio of thrill-seeking go-go dancers kidnap a young girl and attempt to seduce an old rancher and his two sons out of their small fortune, but their scheme doesn't play out as intended.
Martians fear their children have become lazy and joyless due to their newfound obsession with Earth TV shows. After ancient Martian leader Chochem suggests that the children of Mars need more fun—including their own Santa Claus—supreme leader Lord Kimar assembles an expedition to Earth. Once there, they kidnap two children who lead them to the North Pole, then capture the real Santa Claus, taking all three back to Mars in an attempt to bring the Martian children happiness.
Viruta and Capulina are recruited by a group of Venusian space women to serve as an example of ideal males for their planet, much to the dismay of the men of Venus and the fiendish Martians.